Who DID Steal Draco's Frilly, Pink Knickers?
by PinkPolish
Summary: We will reveal the kidnapper of Draco's frilly, pink knickers and figure out why Hermione burned down the library. Also includes: Ghost Books, tea obsessed Dumbledore, Piles of Dust, Perv!Harry, naughty Gryffindors, and Truth or Dare! ::COMPLETE::
1. Who Stole My Frilly, Pink Knickers?

I was crazy when I wrote this. Can't be bothered. MUAHAHA! Sometimes you just got to write little, crazy crawly fics you know? Lol, I really loved writing this. ANYTHING is possible. And I MEAN anything! 

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Full Summary: We will reveal the kidnapper of Draco's frilly pink knickers, discover Hermione's reasons of burning down the library and figure out why Voldy owns a pink castle. We will also finally understand where the babies come from, the stork, duck, or the chicken? Also includes, Snape admitting to being an over sized bat, Dumbledore being obsessed with tea, a 70's style Ron, and Seamus and Dean, who are really not important…

Enjoy!

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Who Stole My Pink Knickers?! Part 1 

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It was a dark, dark night, lit only by neon green clouds and purple rainbows that could be seen well from the pink castle of Lord Voldy. 

Voldy: I am so incredibly bored. * Takes out note pad * hmm, let's seeeee. Bring terror to the Wizarding world? Check. Wreak havoc on unsuspecting muggles? Check. Tease Lucius Malfoy about his stuffed teddy bear? Check. Ah, I am so incredibly bored. What to do? * Thinks, then a neon green light bulb appears over his head. * I got it! I still didn't play Truth or Dare with the Hogwarts students! * Light-bulb falls* ouch…

* Meanwhile in a land, far, far away next door… *

Hairy: Hey Ron! Let's do our Divination homework! 

Ronniekiens: Ya man! Live long and prosper! 

Hairy:…right. Let's see, next month I'll get really, really drunk and do unearthly things with McGonnagall!

Ronniekiens: Dude, that is so totally kewl man! O, next week I'll show the whole school my frilly, pink knickers! 

Hairy: Ooo, the ones with little hearts on them?

Ronniekiens: Ya, wait a second, didn't you borrow them? 

Hairy: * rubs the back of his neck * sorry man, I used them to hide my ecstasy stash. 

Ronniekiens: * shrugs * it was worth it. 

Sevvie: * appears out of mid air *400 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

Hairy/Ronniekiens: Why?

Sevvie: Potter- for not giving me some pot and Weasley- for not giving me the frilly, pink knickers you promised!

Hairy: ah man!

Ronniekiens: Harry is currently borrowing them dude. 

Sevvie: Oh? But what about the ones with the cute, little red flowers?

Ronniekiens: The burned down when Hermione set the Library on fire. Peace out man…

Sevvie: She did WHAT?! That'll be another 200 points from Gryffindor! 

Hairy: But you already took 400 off!

Sevvie: Good point. 500 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! 

Drakey: * appears out of mid air * Who * uses low, dangerous I-will-kill-you-if-you-don't-tell-me-who-stole-my-frilly-pink-knickers voice * stole my frilly, pink knickers?

Ronniekiens: Malfoy! How did you get here!

Drakey: * blinks * Well, you see Weasley, when a man and a woman love each other…

Then, suddenly a crowd of horny Gryffindors surrounds him.

Gin-Gin: But, mum told me that the stork brings babies… 

Seamus, who is not important: She lied, ducks bring them…

Drakey: * looks quizzically at them and continues his 'story' *

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: * listen intently *

Then, Hermione approaches Harry, Ron, and Snape.

Mione: Hi guys!

Sevvie: 50 points from Gryffindor! 

Mione: WHY?

Sevvie: For calling ME a GUY! Can't you see that I am an over grown bat?! 

Mione: okay…anyway, Professor Dumbledore said Voldemort is coming for tea later. AND a game of truth or dare.

Drakey: And when the egg…what? We're playing Truth or Dare?! Yey! 

Voldy: * appears out of mid air * Greetings…MUAHAHA! 

Hairy: What is it with Slytherins appearing out of mid air? 

Voldy: Us Slytherins use special portkeys that are common in Belgium that bring us to the Gryffindor Common Room. 

Hairy: oooOOOoooh. 

Ronniekiens: MUAHAHA? 

Voldy: * shrugs * seemed fitting…anywhoo, let's play Truth or Dare! 

Dumbledore then walks in. 

Bumblebore: Tea anyone? 

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: YEY!

Dean, who is even less important than Seamus: * groans * tea gives me gas… * gets funny looks * What?! It does! 

Voldy: * whines * but _I _want to play Truth or Dare! 

Lucius Malfoy then appears out of mid air. 

Drakey: What are _you _doing here?

Lucy: * speaks in Darth Vader voice* _I am your father_.

Drakey: ? 

Ronniekiens: Sorry to burst your bubble my man, but we kind of already knew that…

Mione: * shakes in horror *

Hairy: Are you okay Hermione?

Mione: * gulps * I, I have S, StarWarsophobia…

All: ………

Lucy: AS I WAS SAYING! * gets back his Darth Vader voice * _I AM your father!_

Gin-Gin: Oh, so you're the one that ordered the stork? 

Seamus, who is not important: Duck! 

Gin-Gin: Stork!

Seamus, who is not important: Duck! 

Gin-Gin: Stork!

Seamus, who is not important: Duck! 

Gin-Gin: Stork! 

Seamus, who is not important: Duck! 

Gin-Gin: STORK! 

Seamus, who is not important: DUCK! 

Mione: SHUT UP! Don't you _ever_ read Babies: A History? Huge, green chickens bring babies!

Gin-Gin, Seamus, who is not important: oooOOOoooh. 

Voldy: Enough! I order you all to play Truth or Dare NOW!

The crowd of horny Gryffindors, Ginny, Seamus, Dean, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Draco, Snape and Dumbledore all obey and make a big circle. 

Voldy: Oh goody! I'll start! Let's see…Potter! Truth or Dare! 

Hairy: Uhm…truth? 

Drakey: chicken, chicken, Potter is a chicken.

Hairy: * clogs Draco * fine, Dare.

Voldy: MUAHAHA! I dare you to…

Sevvie: Dance around in frilly, pink knickers?

Voldy: Nah, too unoriginal. I know! You have to dance around in a LACEY, BLACK THONG! MUAHAHA!

Hairy, Ronniekiens, and Mione: * gasp *

Hairy: I refuse!

Voldy: HOW DARE YOUR REFUSE LORD VOLDEMORT!

Sevvie: 4000 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

Voldy: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Hairy: * turns to dust * 

Voldy: well, since _that's _taken care of…

Bumblebore: Tea anyone?

All: OKEY DOKEY! 

Bumblebore: * takes out cute, orange cups and pours in blue powdered tea to everyone. *

Mione: * passes Lucy his cup *

Lucy: EEEEWWW! ICKY, YUCKY MUDBLOOD GERMS! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF! * Runs away *

Drakey: * clears throat * You did not answer my question by the way…

All: Huh?

Drakey: WHO STOLE MY FRILLY, PINK KNICKERS?!?

All: * whistle innocently *

Drakey: * leaves to sit in a dark corner * I _will_ have my revenge. MUAHAHA! 

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Yey! I just LOVE humor fics! Flames will be used as Draco's revenge! Hope you enjoyed it! Please read my other fics as well and send me cookies and lollipops because I am sick! WAAAA! This fic will also be very slow on updates because I have three others to write. My next update will probably be on the 'Secrets of the Potions Master' fic. 

Hope you liked the fic!

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REVIEW!!!!!! 


	2. How to Speak 'Ditzy'

I'm baaaaaack! I apologize for the long wait but there are only a few weeks of school left and more importantly:

MY EVIL MUSES LEFT FOR VACATION!!!

Waaaa, I'm currently using my two substitute yamis as…substitutes. (Been watching too much Yu-Gi-Oh ^_^)

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PinkSkyez: BlackSkyez burned my pretty flowers! 

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BlackSkyez: Who? Me? I'M IN SHOCK! 

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RedSkyez: Uhm…now introducing: **the Disclaimer Dude!**

Disclaimer Dude: Hello everyone, I am here to DISS the CLAIMER! MUAHAHAHAHA!! 

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PinkSkyez: translation: RedSkyez does not own Harry Potter. Aw, we're sorry.

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BlackSkyez: Totally. * Runs off to steal Harry Potter from JK Rowling. *

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RedSkyez: On to the fic! Thanks for the reviews! Oh, and I apologize to all of you blondes out there in advance! 

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How to speak 'Ditzy' Part 2

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Seamus, who is not important: Mmm, this tea is good. 

Ronniekiens: Like, totally. * Blonde wig appears on his head *

Pavarotti and Lovender: Ron! Like, totally like, oh my gosh! Like, like, totally, totally, oh my gosh!

Ronniekiens: Oh my gosh! Totally like totally, oh my gosh, like, oh my gosh, totally! 

Drakey: I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!

Pile of dust: ……

Lucy: AAIIIIEEEEE! MUDBLOOD GERMS!!! AIIIIEEE!!!

Drakey: Ahem!…I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! 

Bumblebore: Tea anyone?

Voldy: NO! _I _want to play Truth or Dare! 

All: Nu-uh!

Voldy: Either play or end up like him! * Points to pile of dust *

All: Oki doki! 

Pavarotti and Lovender: Like totally!

Ronniekiens: Oh my gosh! 

Sevvie: I will start! * grins evil, I-will-now-dare-Ron-to-do-something-embarrassing grin. * Weasley, truth or dare?

Ronniekiens: Totally.

Sevvie: Dare? Okay!

Ronniekiens: Like oh my gosh!!! Totally! TOTALLY! 

Pile of dust: ……

Sevvie: let's see, I dare YOU to Go into THE closet FOR seven MINUTES with DUMBLEDORE and-

Ronniekiens: LIKE?!!?!?

Bumblebore: As long as there's tea…

Mione: …WHAT is IT with THIS strange TALK?

Sevvie: I'M an OVER grown BAT. What DID you EXPECT?

Mione: oooOOOoooh

All: * push Dumbledore and Ron into the closet and lock them in with the Super Duper Unbreakable Key Thingie * 

All: * snicker *

Pile of dust: * thinks * hentais…(A/N I told you, too much Japanese anime…) 

Pavarotti and Lovender: ^_^

Drakey: I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!

Lucy: MUDBLOOD GERMS!!

Ronniekiens: * from closet * TOTALLY LIKE OH MY GOSH!!! *

Bumblebore: WHERE'S MY TEA?!?!

Voldy: Well, this is fun!

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: You betcha! 

RedSkyez: * appears out of thin air * HELLO MY LOVELIESS!

Voldy: * whimpers * oh no! It's the big bad authoress! 

Gin-Gin: What are _you_ doing here?

All except Gin-Gin: O_O * thinks * she dares to bear the wrath of the big bad authoress? 

RedSkyez: -_- UVUDU KUDUVRU! (I have my own little spells.)

Gin-Gin: turns to pile of dust 

Pile of dust: ……

Pile of dust 2: ……

Dean, who is even less important than Seamus: Oh great and powerful mighty authoress. Why do you grace us with your presence? 

RedSkyez: Now THAT'S how I like my servants! * Gives Dean a new name * ^_^

Dean, who is extremely lame: ^_^ I am forever grateful!

RedSkyez: =D Anywhoo, I am here to help Draco with his revenge! * Walks over to dark corner to help Draco with his revenge * 

RedSkyez * whispers to Draco * here ya go. It's the Frying Pan of Doom 5000. * Raises Frying Pan of Doom 5000 in the air and it glows with an unearthly glow. Insert hallelujah music here. *

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH OH!!!! 

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Meanwhile in the Closet With Subtitles!: 

Ronniekiens: like, totally oh my gosh like totally!

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I can't believe those dudes locked us in!

Bumblebore: * nods * like, totally oh my gosh like! 

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I agree. They didn't even give me my tea!

Ronniekiens: Oh my gosh! Like, totally, totally like?!

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Wow man! You speak my language? 

Bumblebore: Like totally? O_O LIKE, TOTALLY OH MY GOSH LIKE!

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I do? O_O * censored * 

Ronniekiens: * looks dreamily at Dumbledore, thinks * like totally like.

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It's meant to be. 

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Meanwhile, on the Outside Without Subtitles!:

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From Closet:

Like totally? O_O LIKE, TOTALLY OH MY GOSH LIKE!

Pavarotti and Lovender: * gasp *

Pile of dust: ……!

Pile of dust 2: ….? …!

Pile of dust: ……

Voldy: I'm bored again.

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH, HALLELU * A mysterious force throws the Frying Pan of Doom 5000 at their heads * AWCH! 

Drakey, RedSkyez: MUAHAHA! WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!

Ghost Books: * appear out of mid air * BWAHAHA! WE CAME TO HAUNT ONE HERMIONE GRANGER! BWAHAHA! YOU KILLED US! **YOU KILLED US!**

Lucy: Why _did _you burn down the library?

Mione: I rather not talk about it now…

Lucy: Oki Doki! * Thinks thoughtfully * NOOOOOOO!!!!

All: ?

Lucy: MUDBLOOD GERMS POISON MY MIND!!! NOOOOOO!!! * Runs off into the sunset *

Pile of dust 2: ….

Pile of dust: …..!

Ghost Books: * cough * 

All: * ignore ghost books *

Ghost Books: * cough, cough *

All: * ignore ghost books *

Ghost Books: WE WILL BE BACK HERMIONE ANNE GRANGER THAT NOW WILL BE KNOWN AS HAG, WE WILL BE BACK! * Disappear into thin air *

HAG: !?!?

Drakey: * whispers to RedSkyez * Part one of Draco Malfoy's Ingenious Plan of Revenge-?

RedSkyez: Check! 

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From Closet:

HELP!!!! ASSAULT!!! SEXUAL HARRASSMENT!!! 50 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!! HELP!!! NO, I DON'T WANT TO CATCH YOUR GOLDEN SNITCHES!!!! HELP!!!!!!

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POD talk with subtitles: 

Pile of dust:……….?

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Was that Dumbledore?

Pile of dust 2: …………...

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Yeah, I think Ron is teaching him how to order the stork…

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MUAHAHA! God I am SO evil! I LOVED the last part! You may call me a pervert, but a pervert with talent! Flames will be used as Part two of Draco Malfoy's Ingenious Plan of Revenge! BWAHAHA!

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Stay tuned for Chapter 3 of Who _DID _Steal Draco's Frilly, Pink Knickers?

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	3. The Chapter in which Everyone gets some ...

I'm baaaaack! I just can't stop writing this fic! My apologies for all you peeps that are waiting for updates from LCBD and WLAHC:TFH. Sorry! But do not worry, the next chapters will be up in a couple of weeks!

Meanwhile…..ENJOY THE INSANITY!

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BlackSkyez: MUAHAHA!

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PinkSkyez: Hehehe…* blush *

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The Chapter Where Everyone gets some Action Part 3  
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HAG: What _is _going on in that closet?

Gin-Gin: Sounds like fun! ^_^

Pavarotti and Lovender: We'll go too!

Sevvie: Ehehehehehehehehe =) 

Pavarotti and Lovender: * enter closet * AAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!! 

Bumblebore: =D you have come to save me! * Starts leaving the closet *

Ronniekiens: Dude! Wait a second snuckums! We're not done yet!

Pavarotti and Lovender: AAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEE! * slam the closet shut *

Bumblebore: * from closet * MY NOSE! MY WONDERFUL STRAIGHT, INCREDIBLY PINNOCHIO LIKE NOSE!!! 20 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! DO YOU **_KNOW_ **HOW MUCH THIS NOSE COST ME??!!!

Voldy: humph, probably not as much as my evil red eyes did. They were for sale a few years back. I got a great deal don't you think?

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: You betcha! 

RedSkyez: * from corner * I feel something coming. A strange, foreign force that feels a lot like…NO! O_O It can't be! Run for your life Draco!

Drakey: ? 

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Ever so suddenly, 1,278 fan girls fall out from the magic portal, from a special portkey. (Common in Turkey, if you were wondering.)

All: * are silent *

1,278 fan girls: * look around, not noticing the dark corner * Have you seen * get dreamy eyed * Draco Malfoy?

HAG: =D weeeeell…

Bumblebore: * from closet * AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE! PUT THOSE BACK ON RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN!!!! PUT YOUR BLOODY FRILLY, PINK KNICKERS BACK ON!!! O_O RIGHT NOW!!

Sevvie: That lying prick of a Weasley! I _knew _he had an extra pair!

1,278 fan girls: Ahem! We are looking for * get dreamy eyed * Draco Malfoy! Tell us where he is…OR ELSE! * all get out Frying Pans of doom 10,000 newest edition *

All: * point to dark corner *

1,278 fan girls: *spot Draco * OOOOOOO!!!! J 

Drakey: * hides behind RedSkyez *

RedSkyez: Don't worry Draco! I will protect you! * Casually uses magical transporter for big bad authoresses and disappears. *

1,278 fan girls: =D * glomp Draco *

Drakey: * is thinking of ways to add revenge on RedSkyez to Draco Malfoy's Ingenious Plan of Revenge * 

Fan girl 34: You have such soft, fluffy hair! 

Fan girl 89: And those eyes!

Fan girl 1,203: And your knickers are frilly and….RED?!?!?

1,278 fan girls: * gasp in shock *

Drakey: * gets defensive * I, it's not my fault! My, my good ones were stolen!

Fan girl 56: What kind of glomp target are you if you have frilly * shudders * _red_ knickers!

Fan girl 34: Yeah…BUT we love you anywhoo!

1,278 fan girls: * glomp Draco again *

Drakey: * is thinking of ways to add revenge on 1,278 fan girls to Draco Malfoy's Ingenious Plan of Revenge *

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Meanwhile in our Beloved Closet: 

Bumblebore: Mr. Weasley, maybe we can…work things out? 

Ronniekiens: * giggles * Oh, Albusy…you are such a joker!

Bumblebore: * thinks * _Albusy?!?!?_

Ronniekiens: Do you like my frilly, pink knickers dude?

Bumblebore: * can't escape * uh…sure…?

Ronniekiens: I knew we'd work things out eventually Albusy! * Whispers seductively* Now, have you ever played _base_ball?

Bumblebore: 0_0 

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On the Outside:

HAG: * sulks * Goodness, even Dumbledore is getting some action! When will someone pay attention to me?

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Suddenly, 2,398 anti-Hermione fan guys appear out of mid air. (Using the rare portkey, common in Moscow, Russia. Now on sale!) 

HAG: I have fan guys! * blush *

2,398 anti-Hermione fan guys: MUAHAHA!! DIE!!!

HAG: ????? * Runs for dear life *

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Meanwhile:

Dean, who is lame: Hey, Seamus do you want to play baseball?

Seamus, who is not important: What's that? Some muggle sport?

Dean, who is lame: Yeah. It's fun. I heard Ron talking about it in the closet earlier. Hehe, imagine Dumbledore running through the bases! (AN: if he won't escape by then that is…)

Seamus, who is not important: Oki doki! Let's go join them in playing in the closet! 

Dean, who is lame: Oki doki!

Seamus, who is not important: * starts opening the closet in sloooow motion *

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Meanwhile: 

Drakey: and then the baby comes out. The end.

1,278 fan girls: * clap and cheer *

Fan girl 4: that was the BEST story I have ever heard!

Fan girl 67: Tell it again, tell it again!

Drakey: Well, if you insist. * Clears throat * when a man and a woman admit to loving each other…

Fan girl 22: Draaaaco! * Raises hand *

Drakey: Yes?

Fan girl 22: * is caught up in staring at him *

Drakey: ?

Fan girl 22: Oh, uhm, well, I don't really understand that part…

Drakey: Oh? All right then. When Dumbledore and Weasley finally 'come out of the closet'…

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Meanwhile:

Seamus, who is not important: * opens closet *

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Cliffhanger! MUAHAHA! You have to wait until next chapter to know what'll happen! Meanwhile, visit my site please! 

Hope you enjoyed it. I sure did! MUAHAHA! 

Next chapter:

Will HAG…er…Hermione ever escape the anti-Hermione fan guys?

Will Fan girl 22 finally get the meaning of Draco's story?

Will Dumbledore escape Ron, and will Seamus and Dean join the game? 

And will Parvati and Lavender have to get prozac? 

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All that Will be revealed next time on Who _DID _Steal Draco's Frilly, Pink Knickers!? 


	4. The Chapter in which We Finally Figure O...

Hey ppl! Missed u guys loads! I'm back again with a fresh dose of insanity! Enjoy!

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**_The Chapter Where We Finally Figure Out Why HAG Burned Down The Library _**Part 4**  
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Seamus, who is not important: Oh my.

Dean, who is lame: Is that…what I think that is?

Seamus, who is not important: Oh wow, of all the things I've seen…

Dean, who is lame: Yeah. Not one was ever this…

Seamus, who is not important: Ron mate, where _did _you get those frilly, pink knickers?

Ronniekiens: Well, actually dude-

Bumblebore: FREEDOM! * Runs out of closet with such speed that we are doubting if he really _is _over 100 years old *

Ronniekiens: Albusy! Wait dude, don't go! We didn't even get to second base! * Runs after him *

Dean, who is lame: I wonder how you can play Baseball in such a small closet…

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Meanwhile with dear old HA…er…Hermione

HAG: AAAAAAA!!!!

2,398 anti-Hermione fan guys: We will get you! We will get you!

Anti-Hermione Fan Guy 2: We will get you for sure!

2,397 anti-Hermione fan guys: ?

Anti-Hermione Fan Guy 2: We know for sure because we've teamed up with-

HAG: * Gasps * No…not-

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Suddenly Ghost Books appear out of thin air without using a port key because they simply don't

Ghost Books: The Evil Ghost Books! MUAHAHA! YOU WILL PAY HERMIONE ANNE GRANGER THAT IS KNOWN AS HAG AND IS STILL KNOWN AS HAG, YOU WILL PAY!!

HAG: No! Please have mercy! I...I…it was a dare!

Ghost Books: YOU WILL P-WHAT? WHO DARES TO DARE HERMIONE ANNE GRANGER THAT IS KNOWN AS HAG AND IS STILL KNOWN AS HAG AND WILL ALWAYS BE KNOWN AS HAG TO BURN DOWN THE LIBRARY???

Voldie: * is sneaking out *

Ghost Books: =O YOU! FREEZE!

Voldie: * catches on fire * AAAA!

Ghost Books: WE SAID **FREEZE**!

Voldie: * freezes * 

Ghost Books: MUAHAHA! * Capture Voldie * NOW YOU WILL PAY! WE ARE SORRY HERMIONE ANNE GRANGER WHO IS _STILL _KNOWN AS HAG! HAVE A NICE DAY AND DRINK LOTS OF BODILY FLUIDS! * Disappear with Voldie *

Pavarotti and Lovender: Does this mean the world is saved? Like, oh my gosh!

2,398 anti-Hermione fan guys: ?…well…WE still don't like you!

HAG: AAAIIIIII!!! * runs away *

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POD talk with Subtitles

Pile of dust:…..!……!…………!?!

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Oh my frilly, pink knickers! I can't believe this! How am I supposed to save the world now!?! 

Pile of dust 2:…….!…………!…………..!

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Don't worry dear! I will always believe in you! I'm sure that another evil person will try to take over the world again soon!

Pile of dust:………..

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But…it just won't be the same…Voldemort and I…we had something special…

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Meanwhile with Drakey and the 1,278 fan girls

Fan girl 778: Drakey you are sooooo smart!

Fan girl 543: Drakey you are sooooo handsome!

Fan girl 1,121: Drakey you are sooooo brave!

1,277 Fan girls: * Gasp and start muttering * oh no! A Gryffindor trait!

Drakey: * adds Fan girl 1,121 to Draco Malfoy's Ingenious Plan of Revenge *

Fan girl 1,121: I was just kidding! I, I was! Really!

Drakey: …Pansy? 

Fan girl 1,121/Pansy Fancy: OOO! You recognized me! I knew you luuurved me!

Drakey: ……..

Pansy Fancy: We are gonna be soooo happy when we get married cause we're in luuuuurve!

Drakey……..

Pansy Fancy: And we're gonna have loads of pretty children cause we're in luuuurve! Aren't we Draco???

Drakey…….REDSKYEZ!!!!!! REDSKYEZ!!!!!! REDSKYEZ!!!!!!

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Suddenly RedSkyez appears out of thin air. This just proves that if you want something bad enough and say it three times it'll come true…

RedSkyez: What the-

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Unfortunately, just at that exact moment HAG and 2,398 anti-Hermione fan guys happened to stampede by and trample all over poor, unsuspecting RedSkyez turning her into a…

Ghost Book: HAG! 2,398 ANTI-HERMIONE FAN GUYS! YOU WILL PAY!

HAG, 2,398 anti-Hermione fan guys: Oopsie * run for dear life * 

Drakey: * is left in the midst of 1,278 fan girls and Pansy * Uh-Oh

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Meanwhile with our happy couple

Bumblebore: * still running * Mr. Weasley! Perhaps we can reach an agreement!

Ronniekiens: * jogging after him * Only if it involves seven minutes in heaven! =D

Bumblebore: WAAAAA!

Ronniekiens: * a neon green light bulb that was stolen from Voldie's pink castle appears on top of his head * Oh Albusy…would you like some…tea?

Bumblebore: * stops * What did you say?

Ronniekiens: =D come and get it Albusy…

Bumblebore: * with tea bags in his eyes approaches Ron * =D give…me…my…tea…

Ronniekiens: umm…Albusy?

Bumblebore: * is still walking, cups of tea are now in his eyes (strawberry flavored!) *

Ronniekiens: Dude…uh…peace? Albusy? Professor? Stop please. Professor? Please stop. Um…stop…how bout now? 

Bumblebore: * bears teeth and growls * must…have…TEA!! * zooms at Ron *

Ronniekiens: * starts running, not quite at the speed of light * PROFESSOR! MAYBE WE CAN REACH SOME SORT OF AGREMENT DUDE?!?!?!?

Bumblebore: ONLY IF IT INCLUDES CHERRY FLAVORED TEA BAGS!!!

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Meanwhile with our 'favorite' crowd

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: so…what do we do now? * think thoughtfully *

One particularly horny Gryffindor: Wait! I know! HALLELUJAH!

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: =D HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH OH!!! ONE MORE TIME! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLELU-* get hit by Frying Pan of Doom 2001 * AWCH!

****

Meantime (ha! Not mean'while' this time!) An evil pureblood plots 

Lucy: * is at Voldie's pink castle * Soon my plan to get rid of HA-er-Mudbloods will be complete! MUAHAHA!

Ghost Books: * arrive with Voldie, tied up and gagged with Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them in his mouth * 

Lucy: …Master?

Ghost Books: WE are your knew Masters now! Bow down to us! 

Lucy: * bows down to Ghost Books * Masters! Oh evil, wonderful, ghostly Masters! 

Ghost Books: We order you to…* get an idea and cackle evilly * 

Lucy: * pales * t-to what?

Ghost Books: =D To READ every single one of us! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Lucy: Oh no! MUMMY!!!!!!!

****

  
Ever so suddenly a Cliffhanger appeared 

Cliffhanger: I am more powerful than any of you! MUAHAHA!

Ghost Books: Are not!

Lucy: Are not!

Cliffhanger: Are too!

Ghost Books: Are not!

Lucy: Are not!

Cliffhanger: Are too!

Ghost Books: Are not!

Lucy: Are not!

Cliffhanger: Are too!

Ghost Books: Are not!

Lucy: Are not!

Cliffhanger: Fine…I will prove it to you

Ghost Books: how?

Cliffhanger: Like….THIS!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

END OF CHAPPY! Hope you enjoyed it. It's about 5 am now and I was hit in the head by a muse! 

Next Chapter:

Will HAG escape the 2,398 anti-Hermione fan guys and get her name changed?

Will RedSkyez get her revenge or join the Ghost Books in their plan to be the most Evil? 

Will Draco get away from Pansy's luuuurving embrace?

Will Ron finally leave Dumbledore alone after being chased by a tea fanatic?

All this next time on:

****

Who _DID_ Steal Draco's Frilly, Pink Knickers?!

****


	5. The secret files of Harry Potter's love ...

Hey guys, I know it's been ages since I updated but I'm here now, together with my muses and ready for the ultimate insanity! Also, some parts of this might be too _naughty_ for you innocent minds. Should I bring this up to R? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
**_The secret files of Harry Potter's love life _**Part 5 **  
**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seamus, who is not important: Wow! Lookie here Dean!

Dean, who is lame: WOW! It's _HUGE_! What is-hey, look it says something *picks up the pretty pink folder that Seamus found in a small box in Harry's trunk titled Harry Potter's personal stuff* I can't make it out. But I'm pretty sure it'll give us a clue as to who this belongs to!

Seamus, who is not important: No wait, I think I see it *squints* _Harry Potter's Personal Life in Writing. _Cool!

Dean, who is lame: =D Weeell, let's see what Harry's been keeping from us! *clears throat* _September 29th, made out with Pansy Parkinson out of boredom. Wasn't satisfied. Thought about going to Malfoy, but apparently he was busy planing my demise. Took the second choice. Shagged Snape. _EW! Do you _really _want me to continue? 

Seamus, who is not important: * smirks * it'll give us blackmail material right? 

Dean, who is lame: * shudders * _Was fun, never thought he'd be so equipped _'down there'_. McGonnagall came by and wanted to join in. After much consideration we agreed. She had a really incredible-_OH MY FRILLY PINK KNICKERS, HE HAS PHOTOS! 

Seamus, who is not important: * leans over Dean's shoulder * Heavens to Betsy! It's-

**__**

Unfortunately, a familiar crowd appearing that very moment interrupted Seamus…

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: Oooh! Let us see! We _know _what we can do with those!

Seamus, who is not important, Dean, who is lame: * glance at each other and then at the little horny Gryffindors. After a few moments of thinking thoughtfully they decided that the pictures were good for their education and that uhm, private activities were healthy. *

Creepy Creevey (formerly known as 'One particularly horny Gryffindor'): * steps out of the crowd * I have GOT TO make copies! That will be so _naughty _of me! Cheer everyone!

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: Yey! We are horny, 

Creepy Creevey: Very bad,

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: We're not evil,

Creepy Creevey: We're not sad, 

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: We are haughty, 

Creepy Creevey: We are cool, 

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: We are very _naughty_ too! 

Creepy Creevey, Crowd of horny Gryffindors: Goooo Naughty Gryffindors!

****

Meanwhile, with poor, darling Draco, Pansy and the 1,278 fan girls

Pansy Fancy: Ooh Drakey, I can see it now! A black picket fence, a fanged Doberman, monsters lurking in the gardens, I can hardly wait!

Drakey: * thinks of adding revenge on Pansy to Draco Malfoy's Ingenious Plan of Revenge, but is afraid she'd be pleased* 

****

Ghost book: Never fear, for I am here!

Drakey: *uncertainly * RedSkyez? 

****

Ghost book: It is I, don't ask why! Damn it, why can't I stop, rhyming things until I drop?

Fan girl 374: Because you became the ghost of a _Nursery Rhymes _book that's why! 

****

Ghost book: *gasps * How dare you, you little witch, now you die, you stupid ~**censored~**! 

Fan girl 78: That didn't rhyme!

****

Ghost book: Censorship sucks, just like ducks! Draco, I have come to rescue you, little buckaroo!

Drakey: *thinks * _BUCKAROO?!_

Pansy Fancy: I don't think so! Drakey-Poo is staying with ME! Isn't that right sweetums?

Drakey: *is torn between staying with Pansy and the fan girls or running off with a rhyming book. Tough call, eh? * 

****

  
Let's jump to Albus and Ron, and see if they 'made up' yet!

Ronniekiens: ALBUSY! I-I'm getting tired! *Pants * I don't have any tea!

Bumblebore: *stops running * No…tea…?

Ronniekiens: *with a trembling lip * I just wanted us to talk again! Why do I have to do all the work in this relationship?

Bumblebore: What relationship?

Ronniekiens: Don't you use that tone with me! All you care about is YOUR needs and YOUR pleasure, while I toil and work for you, man! Can't you learn to _communicate_ for-

Bumblebore: Mr. Weasley I-

Ronniekiens: DON'T INTERUPT ME! Haven't you done enough? It as if you don't love me anymore! Don't you remember how we met? I was sitting upon that stool with the Sorting Hat on my head and our eyes locked. We knew it was love at first sight, dude! It's the universal language! We had something so special and you just had to go and RUIN IT ALL! Well I'VE HAD IT! I will not be used anymore! And don't come crawling back when you need your laundry done, because I am THROUGH! *Stomps away angrily *

Bumblebore: …What relationship?!

****

Meantime…

Lucy: Oh great and powerful Masters, what kind of evil scheme do you have to rid the world of icky mudbloods?

Ghost Books: Mudbloods? Who cares about that? We're going to destroy *quietly* They-Who-Must-Not-Be-Used.

Lucy:…condoms?

Ghost Books: NO! It's They-Who-Can-Rot-Your-Brain!

Lucy:…teachers?

Ghost Books: * frustrated* THEY-WHO-ARE-TOO-LOUD-TAKE-A-LONG-TIME-TO-MOVE-ON-AND-HAVE-A-THIRST-FOR-HARD-POWER!

Lucy: OOOOH! WOMEN! 

Ghost Books: Oh for Betsy's sake…

****

Back with HAG…

HAG: What can I do to make you stop running after me! I am really, really smart with a big brain!

The 2, 398 anti-Hermione fan guys: * consider this* …hmm…well…we say…DIE!!!!!!!!  


****

Yep, all is find with our favorite HAG…

Hairy: *who mysteriously turned back human…* What are these photos people keep talking about?

Ronniekiens: *whines * I miss Albusy. 

Hairy: I mean, what can possibly be so interesting?

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: *in the distance * _OOOH! A VIRGINIA!_

Ronniekiens: Those are pretty discriminating, Harry my man…Albusy would've known what to do. *Sniff *

Hairy: Right…wait a second…WHERE IS MY PINK FOLDER?!? 

Dean, who is lame: Hmm? What? Don't know what you're talking about.

Seamus, who is not important: No clue. *Whistles * 

Crowd of horny Gryffindors: _OOOH! FRILLY PINK KNICKERS!_

Hairy: *gasps *

Drakey: WHAT?!?!?!?!? *runs over and grabs knickers * THESE ARE _MINE_!!! *turns around extremely slowly * Potter? I wonder what my frilly pink knickers are doing in your, *pauses and reads the title of the folder* _Harry Potter's Personal Life in Writing_?

Creepy Creevey: Something naughty!

Hairy: I-It wasn't me! I was framed!

Drakey: Oh and I suppose the photographs of you and Grang-no wait, *turns photo sideways * that's Crabbe-were just put there?

Hairy: Oh no, those are genuine *grins * Wait till you see the ones with Dumbledore!

Dean, who is lame: Harry, you utter, utter ***censored***

Ronniekiens: YOU SLEPT WITH ALBUSY????

Hairy: Calm down Ron! I meant the ones of us trying on those cute little dresses! For an old man, Dumbledore has great legs! 

Ronniekiens: *wails * I know!

Drakey: * clears his throat LOUDLY* Excuse me! There is still the issue of YOU stealing MY frilly pink knickers! 

Hairy: Who are you anyway, Snape?

Sevvie: I resent that statement! I am an overgrown bat! 

Hairy: A very equipped overgrown bat too! 

**__**

Every so suddenly, Sevvie disappears out of sight because he just didn't fit in the scene… 

Drakey: POTTER!

Hairy: I didn't-it was Colin!

Creepy Creevey: Hey! All I do is take pictures of people in compromising positions, *notices glares * for HEALTHY purposes!

Hairy: LOOK! *Notices the frilly pink knickers have vanished right out of Draco's hands *

Drakey: *whimpers * All I wanted was my frilly pink knickers, *looks up, at who we don't know * WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?

**__**

At that precise moment Pansy, the 1, 278 fan girls, and RedSkyez rush in…

Pansy Fancy: We will not let Draco be abused this way! 

****

Ghost Book: That's right, he doesn't bite!

Pansy Fancy: Everybody, *giggle * we are on a mission! Nobody leaves this castle until Draco's frilly pink knickers are safe and sound covering his,

****

Ghost Book: *interrupts * We don't need all the details, you cretin! 

Hairy: Well, I for one won't by that bothered by details *wiggles eyebrows *

Drakey: *Adds revenge on Harry Potter to Draco Malfoy's Ingenious Plan of Revenge for the fiftieth time* I will find the one who stole my frilly pink knickers if it's the last thing I do!  


****

Meanwhile…

A mysterious dark figure: Muahaha, they will never find Draco's frilly pink knickers, for _I_ the mysterious dark figure has them safely in my ---------! Muahaha!  


****

Let's go back to visit the pink castle, shall we?

Cliffhanger: You cannot keep me here forever! * Is trapped between a few hundred books* I have the right to an attorney!

Lucy: What's an attorney? * Gaps* I said a mudblood word! *Runs to brush teeth * 

Ghost Books: We are horny, very bad-wait a second…that's not our line *look at script * Oh yes, hem, hem, We will rule the world and get rid of evil COMPUTERS once and for all!

Cliffhanger: Well, humph, at least _I _know who stole Draco's frilly pink knickers!

All: OOOOOOOOH! TELL US!

Cliffhanger: Well it's *DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN * I forgot.

All: Aw shucks!

Cliffhanger: Well what do you expect? I was not created to remember things! 

Ghost Books: *Bitterly* Then what were you created for? 

Cliffhanger: :D Weeeeell:  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tada! Naughty wasn't it? And we're one step closer to finding Draco's frilly pink knickers…and keeping them where they belong! Don't miss out on the next chapter of:

****

Who Really _Did_ Steal Draco's Frilly Pink Knickers? 


	6. Voldy Likes Pie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**__**

Voldy Likes Pie _Part 6_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Voldy: Dungeons suck! How dare those stupid books put me in here! _I _am the evil mastermind; _I _am the future ruler of all! 

Tortured Muggle #1: You think it's fun for us huh?! We're the ones suffering from you're stupid maiming fetish! 

Tortured Muggle #2: Yeah! It's time you took a bite of your own pie!

Voldy: Pie? I like pie! Evil geniuses deserve pie!

Tortured Muggle #3: C'mon guys, this one's a lost cause. You should know by now, evil mastermind future rulers of all don't listen to _us. _I mean, look at Sadam! 

Tortured Muggle #2: Why? He isn't exactly what I call pretty, now that nice Spears gal on the other hand…

Voldy: *is confused*…Pie?

****

Meanwhile:

Pansy Fancy: * wipes forehead * Phew, I didn't think it'd be so tiring. 

****

Ghost Book: Yeah, and doing it over and over and over…hey, is that a clover?

Hairy: * shrugs * I don't really mind, I was kind of bored anyway.

Drakey: So, NOBODY found my frilly pink knickers??? 

Hairy: Sorry Malfoy, * suggestively * do ya want some comforting? 

Drakey: * is disturbed * Stop hitting on me Potter. Go molest Snape or something…

Hairy: Been there, done that. 

Drakey: Argh! Now only are my frilly pink knickers missing but my reputation as resident sex-god of Hogwarts is at stake!

Pansy Fancy: I wouldn't be that concerned if I were you snuckums, Potter is resident **pervert **of Hogwarts. I think he's mostly into teachers and really ugly people. * Quietly * have you seen the Marcus Flint pictures? * Shudders *

Hairy: Hey! I can shag whomever I want! It's a free country!

Creepy Creevey: A free and _naughty_ country! Everybody chee-* is mysteriously silenced by Frying Pan 4001, which flew out of, dum dee dum, thin air* 

Ronniekiens: * is eating bonbons while watching a soap opera on TV * No Miguel! Dude, you don't understand, Marcella fell on top of Franco by accident! 

__

Miguel: Marcella! I thought you loved me!

Marcella: No Miguel, it-it's not what it looks like! 

Miguel: I might as well tell you now…Marcella, you are my long lost sister. 

Franco: No! I know for a fact that the babies weren't switched at birth! Sylvia lied because she knew she'd inherit the Lopez family fortune if you weren't an only child!

Miguel: Oh my god! Marcella! Since we are not siblings, will you, will you marry me?

Marcella: Oh Miguel! Yes, yes I will! 

Ronniekiens: Humph! That'd never happen in real life. I mean, wouldn't she have to think about the proposal first? Man, they don't make 'em like they used to. 

****

Ghost Book: I realize you're annoyed and what not, but say, Miguel is quite hot! 

Ronniekiens: Oh shut up. He'll never be as groovy as my man Albusy. * Sniffle *

****

Ghost Book: Be still my beating heart, Dumbledore is an old "fart". Hehehe, I amuse me.

Drakey: Did you just make air quotes? In a _fanfiction_?

Ronniekiens: Dude that's just wrong. Even more wrong than the Marcella/Franco fans. I mean come on, the dude's got 'gay' written all over him. 

Drakey: And you would know this how? Oh wait the Dumbledore thing. Moving on…I still need my frilly pink knickers! People, people quit slacking off! If we're gonna find those knickers by the end of this chapter we've got to hurry! 

Pansy Fancy: Drakey baby, you really have to prepare yourself for the chance that we may not ever find your frilly pink knickers. 

Drakey: I refuse to accept that. 

Hairy: Yeah, I mean you look perfectly fine without them. I mean, who needs clothes anyway? *Gets and idea, and takes off all of his clothes* 

Pansy Fancy: Oh great, Harry Potter makes a statement. 

Drakey: My eyes! 

Hairy: Blinded by the hugeness that is I? *Grins* I can understand that. Recover darling, I can wait.

Drakey: *thinks* _I really need to stop working out…_

****

I really need to give HAG more lines…

HAG: You've been chasing me for the past two chapters! Don't you have anything better to do?

The 2, 398 anti-Hermione fan guys: *think thoughtfully* Hmmm, NO!

HAG: Oh for the love of all things frilly…

****

Meanwhile Voldy, who still likes pie, is in deep thought…

Voldy: God, what I wouldn't give for some pie…

Cliffhanger: *is brought down to the dungeons by the Ghost Books* Hey Voldemort shut up will you? Damn, I have other places to be you know but those evil Ghost Books are keeping me hostage! How will any stories survive without my awesome cliffhanging talents? 

Voldy: =( All I want is some pie! Screw the evil mastermind plans of ridding the world of nasty mudbloods, I just want pie! Pie, I tell you, **pie**! 

Cliffhanger: *shakes head* Oh brother… 

****

Meantime, Lucius is bored…

Lucy: Bloody hell, I'm so bored. Maybe I should visit Master! Er, I mean ex-Master. *Goes down to the dungeons*

Voldy: Malfoy? You've come to save me! My hero!

Lucy: Well, actually I was bored…maybe I should get some pie…

Voldy: PIE? PIE! BRING ME PIE NOW!

Lucy: Humph, I am _not _your slave…well…not anymore anyway. 

Cliffhanger: Oh for the love of pie!

Voldy: *struggles with chains* Must. Have. Pie! *Roars a mighty roar and the chains start breaking, in slow motion of course*

__

: Slow Motion: 

Voldy: Muuust, Ha-ave Pieee! *Breaks chains* Free-dom!

Lucy: Noooo! *Rushes to Voldy, taking his time while his hair swishes prettily*

Cliffhanger: Thiiis is geeetting freeeeeaky. 

Tortured Muggle #2: I saaaid, Briitney!

Tortured Muggle #1: Uh-uh, Saaadaaam! 

****

Meanwhile, the search goes on….

Bumblebore: Mr. Malfoy! This behavior is inexcusable! Forcing Professors to look for your frilly pink knickers, argh kids today…And Mr. Potter put those clothes back on young man!

Hairy: Freedom of expression, sir! Oh, and for those of you watching *blushes* It's very cold in here…

Drakey: *grimaces* Potter, if you put your clothes…all of them, back on then I'll let you uh…

Hairy: *hopefully* Do naughty things to you during Potions?

Drakey: You wish! Um, well we can compromise later, just stop torturing us with…THAT. *Points to 'little Harry' who is apparently either very shy or the room temperature shot down a few degrees*

Hairy: *pouts*

Drakey: *mutters* Why am I so damn loveable?

Pansy Fancy: Aw, there are just so many reasons *tries to cuddle to him* 

****

Ghost Book: You don't deserve hugs, get away you stupid PUG!

Pug:?

Drakey: Does the whole WORLD have to fight over me??

Hairy: You know, all your problems could be eliminate if you just let me-

Drakey: Find my frilly, pink knickers? Yes, I believe that'll work.

****

Nope, I just gotta torture Voldy more…

Lucy: *is fixing his hair* Man, I knew I should've used more conditioner. That slow motion always gives me split ends. 

Voldy: MALFOY! You dare to worry about your hair when I'm seconds away from obliterating you…and your hair? Well, after I get some pie of course.

Lucy: *panics and fears for his hair* You will not touch the hair! *Screams an amazon war cry and kills Voldy…accidentally of course, I mean, when have we ever known Lucius to do something right? *

Voldy: *burns in quite a lovely firework show*

Lucy:…Oops…oh well, at least I get his pie *skips out*

****

Just at that very moment Voldy sparkles into a rather stuffy pastel colored waiting room. That's right ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Hell!

Receptionist: Hello sir, welcome to Hell, we hope our accommodations will not be suitable! Have a horrid stay! *Gives him a number*

Voldy: Wow, it's just how I imagined it. 

Receptionist: Oh, we just got an opening on level 423: Evil Doers and Much Hated Sluts. Apparently a certain Spears, Britney was wailing so loud we had to kick her back to Earth! 

Voldy: *goes up to level 423* 

HAG: Hello sir, and welcome to-Voldemort?!

Voldy: Annoying friend of Harry Potter?! You're dead? And in Hell?

HAG: Well, the anti-fan guys finally caught up with me. Well…actually with the ice-cream truck, they just ran over me on the way there. As for Hell, well I suppose the statistic of people hating me got too high and it was most people's wishes on their death beds…Anyway, I will be your guide here in Hell.Inc until you are well aquatinted with the torture equipment. Now, I'll only get my horns if you're dissatisfied, so please let me know if you need to go to level 52: Sadists and Masochists. 

Vol: Er, okay…just one question though.

HAG: Oh yes, there really _is_ no eternal fire, it was just made up by the Big Boys for advertisement.

Voldy: Actually, I was wondering…do you serve pie? 


	7. I Just Wanted Grandkids!

It's been a long, fun journey but alas, it shall end. This is the official last chapter, but the epilogue is coming up! Oh and apologies in advance to British folk! Plus, I'm made this as random as could possibly be in a humor fic, that's right, a crossover. With Charmed (spoiler warning)! No worries though, they don't do anything, I only put them in here for a little drama, and blah, blah, blah. Frilly pink knickers still in the spotlight!

****

**_I Just Wanted Grandkids! _**_Part 7_

****

Drakey: Weasley! Get those bon bons out of your mouth and help us look for my frilly pink knickers!

Ronniekiens: You wish dude! It's _The Dumb and The Not So Pretty_ marathon!

Drakey: It's a rerun! That show was canceled years ago to make room for _The Bold and Idiotic _no wait…_The Bold and the Bald_…no that can't be it-

Ronniekiens: Will you SHUT UP? I can't hear a thing of what Franco is saying!

Drakey: #looks at readers# It's times like these when I wish I could act really evil with lots of cool dark magic tricks. Unfortunately, that'll definitely lower my fanclub to only one billion…A guy's gotta have love you know…and frilly pink knickers.

Hairy: Draco, dear, you really need to relax. All this searching is so stressful. Should I prepare the hot tub?

Drakey: #Mutters# all this will be over when I get frilly pink knickers back. Then I can safely transfer. Either to Durmstrang with the ugly people or Beauxbatons with the gay ones…doesn't matter, as long as I transfer.

Hairy: What was that? Batons? Hehe, kinky.

Drakey: Yeah, severely creeped out now. Thanks Potter.

Bumblebore: How many times must I tell you Mr. Potter? Put those clothes back on NOW!

Ronniekiens: #sadly# he always was more dominant. Doesn't it totally turn you on?

All: EW!

Bumblebore: #is freaked out# Perhaps mummy was right. I should've retired fifty years ago.

Pug: WHAT-EVER! We need to find Drakey's priceless knickers bats her eyelashes at him isn't that right darling?

Drakey: #sigh# all we do is just talk about it, seriously. Explodes I WANT MY FRILLY PINK KNICKERS! FRILLY PINK KNICKERS, I TELL YOU, FRILLY PINK KNICKERS!

**And suddenly, out of not so thin air a mysterious dark figure appears holding, well what do you know Draco's frilly pink knickers! Remember the, saying things three times theory? Eh, and to believe we've wasted six chapters on searching and talking about them…ah, those British folks are dense aren't they?**

The mysterious dark figure: ???? I thought I got insurance for this!

Crowd of Horny Gryffindors: Golly!

Hairy: Oh. My. God.

Ronniekiens: #in mid chew# oh man…

Drakey: For the love of Betsy-

**Meanwhile in Hell.Inc!**

HAG: #is standing in front of a group of new residents including Voldy, Sadam, Cher, and the cast of Charmed#

Piper: This was not supposed to happen. #Turns to Leo# was this supposed to happen? I think not!

Cher: Aw, you got us babe!

Piper: Hey, hands off crazy lady! I was married! To a -sort of- man!

Leo: Hey!

Piper: Shut it mister, I know that hair dye didn't just appear out of thin air! Anyway, how can vanquishing a demon and be later killed by its friends, land us in hell?

Leo: #is confused, since he doesn't have an answer# …Blessed be?

Devil Employees: THE TERROR! #Immediately rush Leo to torture chambers. Jeez, saying such a cursed word in Hell. Idiot#

Chris: #while secretly laughing at Leo's expense# I think you confused the demon with an Elder, Piper.

Piper: He had four eyes and "I hate Mom" tattooed on his shoulder!

Chris: Well, you should know by now that many Elders have issues…

Paige: Oh great, you vanquish one Elder and it's Hell for you. Oh no, forget all the good we've done and the Sources we've vanquished, one mistake and POOF, you're in Satan's lair.

Phoebe: #is confused# We're dead?

HAG: #clears her throat loudly# If you would look on your left, you would see a hot stream of molten lava. If one of you should fall in-

Phoebe: #forgets she can levitate# AAAH!

HAG: -like that, do not worry. You can't die AGAIN; you'll just be in eternal pain!

Voldy: #mutters to himself# no pie, what kind of evil organization is this?

Chris: Well, at least one good thing can come out of this. I don't have to worry about Wyatt screwing up the future…SINCE I HAVE NONE!

Paige: Aw, don't worry Chris, I'm sure Piper can get pregnant with you in Hell too!

Piper: WHAT?

Paige: Oops.

**Now, while the Charmed Ones are busy working through "Issues" Sadam is secretly planning…well, not really. He's just kinda psycho.**

Sadam: Must. Plot. Evil. Deeds. Against. Israeli. Government. Must. Ask. Red-eyed guy. Where to get. Pie.

Voldy: Right…

HAG: Now, onto your living quarters!

All: #groan#

Cher: #mutters# if only I could turn back time…

**And now to reveal the most evil of villains, the cruelest of the cruel, the smelliest of the stinky:**

Drakey: MUM?!

The mysterious dark figure/Narcissa: #looks around in panic# um, no…I am just an evil clone!

Drakey: HA, you can't fool me! You tried that excuse when I asked you what my PlayWizards were doing in your closet!

Narcissa: FINE! _I _stole your frilly pink knickers! It's true!

Drakey: But mother, why?

Narcissa: Because they are _GAY_! I don't want you turning out like that Potter boy and the Weasley child! I want grandchildren! I want to bake! Bake, damn it!

Drakey: But mum, I'm not gay.

Narcissa: Oh yeah? Then why is Harry Potter hanging off you in such a manner?

Drakey: #blinks# GET OFF ME!

Hairy: Darn, I was so close.

Drakey: Mum, we can talk about this. Just hand over the frilly pink knickers.

Narcissa: #grabs Collin# one more step and I'll do something naughty with him!

All: #freeze#

**And so, the plot thickens. Meanwhile…**

Piper: _You _are _my #_hyperventilates# SON?!

Chris: Ehe, um, well…

Paige: It should have been quite obvious, you both can get rather bitchy at times.

Piper/Chris: SHUT IT!

HAG: Now, while dealing with some family drama, we will proceed to the torture chambers. If you will please follow me…

Piper: You lied to me! For all this time! You committed the sin of LYING! Who cares that you had a perfectly good reasons and were afraid of changing the future, all that _pales _in comparison to LYING!

Chris: But, but it could've changed the future in even worse ways!

Piper: Well you don't have to worry about it _now_!

Chris: Oh please, I bet any second now Future Wyatt will appear out of thin air, and torture me until I reveal some horrible secret about your death.

Wyatt: #appears, since he's the ruler of all in the future and just can# I have come for you Chris! Muahaha! And with me I bring….PIE!

Voldy/Sadam: PIE?!

Wyatt: Yes, Pie!

Chris: Whatever, can we just skip to the happily ever after bit where Wyatt is dead and we all mourn but secretly know it's for the best, and I oddly stay in the past until it seems fit to go back?

Paige: Hmm…perhaps you are right, that pie does look inviting.

Wyatt: ?

HAG: #thinks# _this is _so _not the best way to spend one's afterlife._

**And while that signals the occupants of Hell's "happy" ending, naughty things are almost a-happening back at Hogwarts…**

Narcissa: Don't you dare step any closer! #Holds Collin dangerously close#

Creepy Creevey: #doesn't seem to mind one bit#

Hairy: #isn't particularly disturbed either#

Drakey: #is, in fact, grossed out because he does not want to share genes with a Creevey offspring#

Pug: Well…this is interesting…

Drakey: It is _not_! It's repulsive!

Pile of Dust2:……..

Narcissa: #snaps at the pile of dust# Who said you could talk??

Drakey: Look…mum, we can resolve this. Without any rash decisions or unnecessary mating.

Narcissa: Oh no you don't. I shall have grandchildren!

Creepy Creevey: I don't know what I can do for grandchildren, but if you want more kids, I'm your man!

Narcissa: #drops him on the floor# Eww! Not even baking is worth that much!

**Draco, seeing that Narcissa is distracted makes a dive for his precious frilly, pink knickers. And so, the slow motion returns once again.**

_::Slow Motion::_

_Drakey: #is diving towards Narcissa# Yeeees, just a liiiiittle bit clooooser…_

_Narcissa: #turns around in surprise and the knickers start falling to the floor# Nooo!_

_Drakey/Narcissa: #jump towards knickers…and bump their heads against each other# Oooowww…_

_::End Slow Motion::_

**But then, who has gotten the knickers?**

Hairy: Yes! They're mine! Hahaha they're- #is knocked out by Draco#

Drakey: #hugs the frilly, pink knickers to his chest, while soft music plays in the background# sweet, sweet, knickers. I have awaited this moment for so long. It has been harsh without you, but now you have returned into my arms, safe and-

Ronniekiens: OOOH! The home shopping network!

All: OOOH!

Bumblebore: Nobody can borrow my Master Card this time! #Gets dreamy eyed# I can buy so many tea products…

Hairy: The HSN? Is it Thursday? That's sex toy night!

Narcissa: Heavens be blessed! Who needs Draco when I can _buy _grandchildren? #Pushes through the crowd in front of her# Out of my way!

Drakey: #the music stops with a screech and he flings the knickers aside, right into Colin's face# I GET THE COUCH!

**Some time later:**

Creepy Creevey: #recovers from recent events# Huh? #Takes knickers off his head and stares at them, a slow smile spreading on his face# Oooh, I _know _what I can do with these…

**_End  
  
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It's done! It's finished! Finally finished! Now, I know there are many lose ends but remember; there will be an epilogue coming up shortly! So for now, I bid you farewell!


	8. Epilogue

**_Epilogue _**_Part 8 (Final)_

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_And so our thrilling hunt for frilly, pink knickers has come to an end. But what of the loose ends? Do we cut them off, pull on them, or use them to tie up our characters? Alas, the loose ends must be explained and therefore you are presented with the epilogue._

Ron Weasley eventually got over Albus Dumbledore and decided to pursue courtship of Hermione Granger (since no one else seems to like her). To do this he kindly asked Snape to send him to Hell, to which the other happily complied to. Snape still has no overall importance to the entire fic.

Collin Creevey still has Draco's frilly, pink knickers and sleeps with them every night. Yes, I said 'sleeps'.

Pansy Parkinson and Draco Malfoy are now officially engaged, by no choice of his own.

Harry Potter is still resident pervert of Hogwarts, and to this day is _trying_ to molest Draco.

The Crowd of Horny Gryffindors stole Harry's pink folder and thus, never run out of…material.

Voldemort and Sadam have become rather good friends and are sharing the pie that they stole from Future Wyatt.

The cast of Charmed eventually got out of Hell and they all got along spiffily. Except Future Wyatt of course, who was sulking over his pie…

Cher was not enjoying Hell and kept on moaning and groaning about turning back time. The Big Boys were considering sending her to level 423: Evil Doers and Much Hated Sluts, but decided to kick her out instead. She is currently annoying the Elders of 'Up There' and Leo decided he is quite done being the pacifist.

The Ghost Books have in fact, taken over the world and computers have been almost entirely wiped out of existence.

Lucius Malfoy serves the Ghost Books faithfully while checking around for any **Slow Motion**, as to not ruin his hair _again_.

Narcissa Malfoy ordered a few grandchildren from the HSN but got bored of them quickly and sent them back. She now has a new passion; gay porn.

Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown joined Narcissa in her obsession and formed a ditzy, blonde, gay-porn-loving, group called LIKE an acronym for Lads In Kompromising Engagements. Yeah, I noticed it too, but what do you expect, blondes remember?

Ginny Weasley a.k.a. Pile of Dust2, is stored away safely in an urn on the Weasley's fireplace, offering smart quips when they are most definitely not needed.

Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan have a new favorite sport. Baseball. The kind you play in broom closets.

The 2, 398 Hermione anti-fan guys are happily eating ice cream.

The 1, 278 Draco fan girls are currently stalking him and are taking pictures in the boys' showers.

RedSkyez turned herself back from the ghost of a nursing rhymes book simply because she could and is currently writing this very sentence.

The cliffhanger escaped from the Ghost Books' clutches and has a few things to say.

Cliffhanger: My awesome cliffhanging talents have been completely wasted on this fic! How can you not be ashamed?! There isn't a force stronger than I in this whole fandom!

**The End suddenly appears…**

The End: Oh, I beg to differ.

Cliffhanger: And _who _are _you_?

The End: _I _am the most powerful force in !

Cliffhanger: Oh yeah? You don't look so 'powerful' to me.

The End: Oh yeah?

Cliffhanger: Yeah!

The End: Oh yeah?

Cliffhanger: Yeah!

The End: Oh yeah?

Cliffhanger: Yeah!

The End: Oh yeah?

Cliffhanger: Yeah!

The End: Oh yeah?

Cliffhanger: Yeah!

The End: Oh yeah? Fine, I'll prove it then!

Cliffhanger: …How?

The End: Like…THIS:

**THE END**

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And here you have it, the epilogue. Thank you all my wonderful readers for your great support in helping me complete my first ever finished fic! I'm actually getting teary! Await for more from your favorite author, the one and only RedSkyez!

I love you, so please review!

Goodbye!


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